Old Poem (dusting it off)

Secrets hidden well,
To cover up the shame,
Memories suppressed inside,
To bring relief from the pain.
Nightmares constantly present,
To remind that the past is real,
Sickness retching the body,
To release the disgust they feel.
Pasts that still haunt,
Both at day and by night,
Lives forever altered,
By something far from right.
Children left alone,
Trying once again to be whole,
This unforgivable devastation,
Forever tormenting their souls.
Many questions yet unanswered,
They still sit and wonder why,
Was there a reason, a purpose,
To the cause of them wanting to die?

You don't really know till...

You don't really know what love is till it hits you like a ton of bricks. I look back on my older post and i see how i use to ramble on about how i was "in love", but i look back now, and i only see those feelings as a mere crush now. I have never felt such a strong feeling than what i have now for Devian. He is truly my love :) and it makes me happy just to type it out here. My life is much happier now than what it use to be. I have tamed my demons, and i have stopped crying, i have become a stronger, more independent woman. I know that i will be okay no matter what the outcome may be.
I recently lost a friend, when i thought to turn here again to express how i felt about it all. I am ANGRY, about what happened. Stupidity should never cause someone to lose their life.
I don't want to go into details because it is still an ongoing investigation. But i pray that the hand of justice will be heavy and swift on this case. So that her soul may rest easy and that she may be in the hands of the Lord.
RIP sweetie :)

coming such a long way...

I'm so proud of Devian though. when i first met this man he was 17 and into a lot of trouble making. ever since we got together he turned his life around completely. he has his GED, he is working two jobs, and has gotten his life straight. today we hit our five month anniversary :] i'm so in love with him. and i'm so very proud of him. i know that even if i were to have found out today that i was pregnant i konw that Devian would have stepped up and stayed by my side every step of the way. he takes amazing care of me now, he always brings a smile to my face and he can always put me in a good mood whenever i'm feeling down and out. Devian is just my hope, he's my personal ray of sunshine. :] well i have to go and get my nails all pretty.

...

wow, it's been such and extremely long time since i've come online to express my feelings through words. so much has happened since the year 2008. currently it is summer break and i am prepairing for my two week "basic training" through the police academy to become and explorer. although i don't have a technical job this summer i am watching my younger sister Savanna. another really important factor of my life right now would have to be the love of my life Devian M. he really is something else. i meet him through my once best friend Samantha, she was dating him at the time. but i felt as if she did not deserve him so i decided to work my way into their relationship and i took Devian for myself. i couldn't let such a good man like him pass me up. and since December 29th 2008, Devian and myself have been together. we hit 5 months this friday. We have been through so much these last five months it's crazy. i've never felt like this with anyone ever before. i look back on how i use to view love and life and i see that back then i only saw a small portion of love and life, and now that i'm in real love i understand life a little bit more. i can honestly say that Devian is my first real love.

So i just wanted to let you know who i am. okay, so my full name is Sasha Elizabeth Huggins. I'm 16 years old an my DOB is march 4, 1992. i was born in El paso Texas (Fort Bliss) and i grew up in New York (West Point). I moved here to Colorado an i am now attending Widefield highschool. i'm a fuckin junior now, hell ya. uh.. my favorite color is red, my favorite number is 5, i own my favorite car which is a 2005 mustang. i plan on attending Texas A&M. Both of my parents were in the military, my mom was a great supply officer, an my dad was a 1st Sergeant/drill sergeant.

I box, i live for it, i train constantly, you can ask any of my friends its one reason i never have time. i also to Akido to enhance my boxing skills. it seems to be going well so far, we'll see soon though if all this trainings paid off. Also, i was in NJROTC, i was an E7 i loved the fuck outta that class. we'll see what next year has to bring. i'm a pretty driven person if i want something i go for it.

.....

.....where to start?

.............. i honestly don't know anymore. A year ago i didn't love him, an a year ago i knew what i wanted in life. I wanted to be a graduate from West Point. To be that great officer in the Army that everyone looked up to. I've realize a few things within this past year. I've learned so much about myself it's scary. I cry so much now. I wanted to be married after college an then maybe have a kid after i got a steady job. I was this independent girl who knew she could make it on her own, i didn't want, an i didn't need any ones help. Then, Robert killed himself. The second suicide I've had to deal with in my life. Everything just froze. I wake up everyday an wait to see if the sun will really rise, it feels like it shouldn't. He came home not short after Robert killed himself. I fell back in love with him, i knew it would hurt and tear me apart because he doesn't love me too. To big of a burden, an of course no one but me truly got hurt. Broken hearted because i wanted him to want me, to just sweep me off my feet an tell me i have his heart. Now, I'm still not sure who i truly want to be. i have this lovely dream of being an Army wife with a son an just living that perfect life. taking care of my soldier an just loving him...but i think i'll just take it one step at a time. i have already fucked up to much to be accepted in to the elite military academy, so i'm thinking Texas A&M. something not as difficult as the USMA.

My heart is split.

still stuck on him, the one who doesn't truly want me.

and the perfect guy who already loves me.

why do i still have this problem!?

it tears me apart so badly.... i think he's that one that will always have my heart.

i don't know anymore.

I'm sorry.

anyways, prom is next Saturday, on the 3rd. I'm kinda excited, although i'm only in the tenth grade i'm sure i'll have plenty of fun. my arms are a little sunburnt i hope they get better by then. I have decided i'm quitting ROTC. i can't handle how major treats me and my people. he's straight up butt-heads to us. and instead i'm taking a studyhall. on top of that i'm going out for girls basketball next year. i'm really excited. i'm actually pretty good. hot from the 3 point on in. lol next year my plate will be heavy academic wise. which is why i'm dropping rotc. i'll be taking 2 honor classes an only 1 elective the rest, all 6 will be core classes.

....

What is love? Is it wanting to be with him every waking moment? Craving the sensation his rough hands leave behind? falling deeper in this black hole each time i look into his icey blue eyes? is it wanting to hear his voice, the warm familiar sound of comfort, his steady tone sings a smooth lyllabye? just to lay in his arms listening to his rhythmic heart beat not wanting it to ever stop. is love feeling the pain when he's not here? with me, in my arms? never calling, constantly missing the only thing that has truly ever brought joy...they say love can be the greatest feeling in the world... but, if your in love, and the one who has your heart is never here, it can hurt so badly... forced to fake a smile every picture you send, and laughing over the phone whenever he calls. it's not allowed i can't show any emotion, always on guard needing to be perfect for him, to live up to his high standards. what is love? missing his touch, his smile, his warmth, his kisses...missing the feeling of being whole when he's here?

what is love?

Something wonderful and magical, or something painful and harsh?