....

Drama. I hate it.

....

I'm still tired after last night. i cried, long and hard for a good two hours. i don't know how it started but once it started there was no end in sight. my childhood is a big blur to me for many reasons i would honestly just want to forget it all. i don't dream a lot, but when i do dream... it's more like a nightmare to me, it's a sick reminder of how good i use to have it.

i had a dream the other night, it was me and her, sitting under the big oak tree, just laughing and talking...having a good time like we use to. then she started to fade, her bright smile grew dim, her lively eyes died down, and her breathing got light. she left, and there i was under the oak tree by myself slowly rocking as i quietly cried. i woke up crying too. i miss her, so dearly, i ask go why every moment i get a chance. i feel bad, quite guilty i guess, it's my fault. maybe if i would have just said i love you a little more or told her how much she truly meant to me I'd be with here right now, still out back under the tree laughing and talking. they all tell me it's not my fault and that i had no control over it at all. that's not true, it's is my fault. maybe not entirely my fault but i did nothing to stop it. the signs were obvious. we just all chose to ignore them, pretending everything will be okay. i cried last night because i missed her, i cried because it was my fault i miss her, i have no closure from her, she left me on the floor gasping for air wishing it wasn't true. i cried because deep down inside the night she left so did my soul. left cold and alone to figure out how harmful and how painful life and love truly is.

i wish i could just leave sometimes. and start over, it sounds hard to believe but i just want to walk away from everything i have now and just start all over.

.....

I no sooner spoke than I regretted it. it's hard to swallow knowing the fact that I've disappointed someone or that I've hurt someone. I remember my brother once telling me, everything i say will always hurt someone in someway. it just sucks sometimes, knowing that when i speak my mind or express how I'm feeling I'm going to end up hurting the one that truly loves me. i can't honestly explain where I'm at in life anymore. I'm in love, loosing all my friends, switching schools and dealing with this rain cloud over my shoulders. before i met him i would get numb and go off in my own little world where everything fit right... now he's here. it's a good thing i know, but... traveling through half the stuff i deal with would be so much better if he was here to hold my hand through it. feeling every little prick of pain is tiring. words mean so little to me, it's hard to truly tell him how sorry i am when he's so far away from me. I'm unfair about this, just him being able to fall in love with someone like me should be enough. i should be so happy a good guy cares so much about a little mistake like me. why am i such a bitch and try to push him away? I've lost my train of thought...crying.

Sitting still and the dark. those are the two things that always break me down.

When i start to sit still, and the world decides to catch up to me it kicks me in the ass. i like to stay busy, focusing on the now. what needs to be done right now! so i don't think of what has happened or what might happen. Then it's in the dark, at night, laying in bed when my thoughts start to consume. i can't help it, i think to much for my own good, nothing but what if's come to mind at night. past regrets about how i should have, and could have, but didn't have to power or courage to.

your touch was like the fire

so warm

i want to be burned alive

by your love

and die remembering that i knew you

and that we shared this sickness

we grew into

your like an open wound that can not heal

your like a disease that punishes me when every

time i think of you

and every moment kills

a flower you are

i have been craving for your sent

you lighten my world that is dark

i wont forget that day

that you went

there's nothing to hope for

nothing that tears can heal

been in this cage of my shame forever

been waiting to hold you and your skin to feel

in failure i join with in the night

i cry with the rain that fills my misery

i stair endlessly to the moon that shines

slowly i grow cold and heavy

all i wanted is you

to light my rotten garden

i imagine us together in truth

in laughter, love and peace

but that will never happen

because the sun will not shine today.. (irrelevant to anything really)

.....

I honestly don't know what to write. I still love him, and i'm drifting from the other...i can't help it, the other is letting me slip through his fingers, i have nothing to hold onto.

I am overcome with pity

I am overcome with rage

I was burning -- buried alive

Laying dead upon your stage

I’m nothing, and I’m worthless

Seems there’s nothing I can do

Can’t live here any longer

Love, I’ll never be with you.

Demons in my shadow,

And demons in my mind.

They’ve gotten my attention

‘Cause I was left behind

I’ve got a marijuana soul;

Suicide -- pill binge;

There’s a hole inside my heart

Refilled by a syringe.

Yet again I beg for death

How typical of me

‘Cause I am plagued-- how pitiful--

I know you’ll set me free.

So shine bright, my shooting-star

You can never be replaced

I wear my heart on my corset--

Laced and then unlaced.

.......

It's really hard to think that it's only been eight days since i last wrote here. my birthday seems like it happened so long ago. like I've truly lost track of time it's self, the tears and the wanting to be numb must do that to a person. lets work our way from this Monday, anything before then is truly a blur and i can't remember. on Monday the tenth i skipped school, but it was well worth it. i spends the day in his arms, hearing his voice, feeling his warmth and listening to his heart beat. I'm so madly in love with him. i closed up after the first time i fell in love because he left and i was just left starring back on what we HAD. i must have a way with the guys i fall for. He's now thinking about leaving....that Monday when we laid there, everything felt right when i was in his arms i knew everything was okay. i haven't felt like that in a long time...when i found out he was thinking about leaving my walls slowly fell in...i was scared he was going to be another HIM...i wish i had the nerve just to truly tell him how i feel about it all, but i have no right what so ever to tell him, i want him to stay, i want him to be mine and i just want it to end like a good fairy tale. happily ever after. but he's a very busy boy, school is a must i have no right to want to drag him down like this. I'll find someone who will stay...right?.... anyways. then Tuesday went by really quickly we had testing that whole day. and today was really no different, testing all day. although i have stepped back away from my friends lately, I've been watching them really. sounds weird huh? but I've notice I'm not the only one who trips over guys hard, i found my best friend with cuts up and down her arms and his name in the middle of her fore arm bloody and scabbing over. we all handle things differently i guess, but why put it out there for everyone to see? i don't like having others worrying over me, I'd rather just swallow it and put it away and just change the subject than bother other with my problems...i had someone tell me i put up to many walls..(mental walls) that little statement really tore me up inside...because it's true, i can't stand to have people know how truly weak i am over the ones i love. if i were to let those walls down and people in i would fall apart, my ceiling would came crashing down. although, i have this really bad feeling... that when the one i love the most now leaves, when he moves on.... where will i be?... will the other come back home and make it all better? or will i just slip and fall for another?... i know what i want to happen... but i remember my good friend Samuel tell me, why give someone everything and get nothing back?, i tried to give him my everything, best i could. i kept telling myself, he'll finally notice me a little more, maybe he'll stay and maybe i can finally be his. but no, he got his taste and left. just left with a hallow promise that if i could wait then maybe, why not......

Maybe it's just me, i can't do something right. they all keep leaving for some reason....that's okay though.

i started deep inside you

deep within your soul

i slowly clambered up the ladder

reaching your innermost feelings

Your heart was telling you to go for i

t Your head was saying no,

"Suicide, me - no way"

your heart saying go!!

I feel like im soaring,

as free as a I could be

i climb so high , touch the sky

Yet not happy with what i see

I see an eye before me, yet from a different view,

i see the knife before me,

as short a breath you drew!

I could feel me sliding,

down a face so torn

feel the slight hot breath you blew

a face as smooth as born

Yet now i am falling,

far beneath the eye

I see a floor below me, quickly rising up

But now im gone no chance to get to say the last goodbye

....

March forth, two-thousand-eight, I'm offically sixteen! lol Today was one of the better days i've had. It was probably just another normal day for anyone else but i was in a really good mood all day. Although HE never did call me i think i'll live. Not much to really put down for today. I've noticed that one person's kind words can truely mean alot to the next person...So i'm grateful for anyone and everyone who said Happy Birthday to me.

Your essence, your being,

Just takes me away...

Back to a time way back.

Back when charming princesIn shining armor,

on white horses,

Flourished, their swords,

Making the princesses swoon.

You do that to me,

Make me laugh, and fret

,And swoon, on occasion.

But without a sword,

Or a great white horse,Or armor,

You are still a prince.

And my prince,

Whom I'd swoon over,Any day.

- Araz Havan -

(i think it's very true)

....

Hate can be defined as to feel intense dislike, or extreme aversion or hostility.

Today was a long day, i had practice at 5:30am. I'm in this thing, NJ ROTC i started it last year with the high hopes of it would help me clean myself up and i would get my stuff in order. my first year in the program was great, i accelerated at what i did, i was the top of my game. Although i did make a few enemies along the way i didn't think much of it then. So i left my freshman year of high school in almost good spirits. (the falling in love thing broke me a little) it was then that summer came along, i worked stayed out of trouble best i could. and then my second year of high school hit. the one guy i had HATED my freshman year was now in charge of me and the whole NJ ROTC unit. but still i stood strong and said i would have a little faith in his leadership abilities.

at the start of this all i wanted a better life, i wanted to go into the military i wanted to be a successful officer from college, just an overall great leader.

The year worked its way slowly to where it is now. i've only gotten promoted once this year, and in order for me to even get this promotion i had to bring attention to myself by asking why i didn't get it. after i brought this little spot light on me, it really hasn't left.

So when i feel like i've worked for something for the last year and a half, and actually be good at it, now these people want to take it from me because of personal reason...i feel a sense of HATE. i can't stand these people...if i was the person i was back two years ago i would have broken someones jaw. Those who call themselves leaders should never treat those under them in a nasty manner. it leaves a bitter taste.

I still try and meet these standards that have been set for me, so at 5:30am in the morning getting yelled at having some old hag in your face screamin at you telling you your basically shit, it's not the way i'd wanna be wakin up...yet i still show up?! i feel like Cinderalla, lol, do this do that, now go away..shoo!

The rest of my day was truely pointless, first hour was World History then NJ ROTC, Math, German, Lunch, English, Chemestry and Weight Lifting. The Highlight of my day? i've come more familiar with this word, HATE. more and more people keep putting me down.

Change is very much needed. whether it be a new school or my life falling apart. i need some way to just start over. Should life truely be this upsetting and over helming for someone who is simply 15?!

i'm turing 16 tomorrow, and i'm not excited. i survived another year, learned how much people can hurt and i'm another year closer to dying. lol plus side, i got my car. hopefully i'll get that phone call i'm waiting for..........

in the end

In the end what will happen? In the end will we die? Will our souls forever walk the earth? Will we find love or die alone? Will we die crying or laughing? Will we be murdered, or just drop dead? In the end, what will happen? Will we fulfill our dreams, or will they vanish? In the end will we be here? What will happen? In the end, will everything be gone? No family? Friends? Pets? Anyone…………… will it never stop raining the tears of sorrow? In the end, what will truly happen? Will we just disappear from the earth like we where never there? Will our souls meet the loved ones that have already passed on? Will we ever see them again? And if we do, what will we say? In the end will we find out what happens? Is there an after life? Is there a past life? Will we soar above the sky in the end? Will our souls be higher than the birds? Will they remain down here with our pets and loved ones? In the end, will we be forgiven? Will we finally be with them? In the end, will we see the killers, or the killed? Will we see the ones we lost, with September 11th? Or the hurricanes? In the end what will happen? What will be left in the end, nothing? Or just simply torn pictures?

.....

The following is a long rant, which you'd do best to ignore. Someone will end up commenting wither I want them to or not. Most people feel as if their input is needed in every statement made.
No matter how beautiful the memory, the faded voices and pictures will all sting. The regretful, painful, memories of torture and suffering will all hurt. But it is the memories of joy, loved ones, and the time you've spent, will hurt even more. For most of these memories refuse to be captured, and held onto. The loved ones lost, the blood spilt, and the tears cried will be the ones most vivid in your mind. I have reached a time in my acting life where I can go through the motions without thinking. No matter how blank-minded, how upset or troubled I truly am I can still come across as cheerful. The exclamation mark is still to far away for me to use. Nonetheless it appears as a lie, too much of a lie to use.
When the blood hungry sort me out from the bad and the good. I shall be less than the sum of my parts. Are we nothing more than whiny, pretentious little brats, who should really bite off their own tongue and fingers, to stop, the jagged, bitter flow? But yet not one of us can build up the nerve or the energy to do so. Pathetic, isn't it?
No matter how thick the air I breath, no matter what others do or say, no matter what I believe in or pray for, all of our prospective lives and futures look sickly and bleak. Life was never, meant to be fair. I complain about it here, the choice of reading this is of course optional. While I only wish to help those closest to me with their pain, sorrows, and sufferings, never did I sign up to be a therapist. Life after next; month for everyone is just simply a sequence of events not worth looking forward to. The face of the past haunts many, but the dark corners of the future scare and haunt so many more. If someone does not like you do not let them talk to you, and sure as hell don't talk to them. Neither should pretend to care, because deep down inside you both wish the worst. Pretending can only make the wounds deeper. But even then all wounds heal eventually.
I was raised in the boondocks. Competition meant everything to some. Where failing grades and a low income meant death, a slow, painful death. One such as being gnawed by flies and lizards. No such thing as a quick death is near, nothing like flying and falling to your death. But instead a slow, sure death. I would like to mean so much more to you.
I would like to dream there would be something there, but in order to dream you have to sleep. Growing up the way I did I learned three things, one, never disrespect an elder they can hit a lot harder than you can, two, if you love someone, tell them you do every moment you get, they might be gone the next day, and three, never cry, crying is a sign of weakness and it's a sign that can cost you a lot of pain and suffering.
None of us are pure kids, and we all know it. Can any of us understand why others assume we are pure? We all know what the word orgasm means, and several other words right along with it. But we can all just keep pretending. Some people in this world can just smile for no reason. But there are others, they come with dark clouds around their shoulders and wear a silvery smirk.
You should thank the people who bring pain into your life. They let you know that every waking moment around them you are worthless, and you mean not a damn thing to them. They let you know pain is real and it's a part of a harsh life.
People taunt, provoke, and insult, just to watch you lose it for a minute, they want to see you scream, cry, and smack your fist against the wall. They want to be reminded they're in control of you.
Everyone has a trigger it just depends on how the safety is set.
I’m not bitter, just tired. It’s really nothing to waste your breath on; it's only the truth.

Consequence of Shattered Innocence

Secrets hidden well,
To cover up the shame,
Memories suppressed inside,
To bring relief from the pain.
Nightmares constantly present,
To remind that the past is real,
Sickness retching the body,
To release the disgust they feel.
Pasts that still haunt,
Both at day and by night,
Lives forever altered,
By something far from right.
Children left alone,
Trying once again to be whole,
This unforgivable devastation,
Forever tormenting their souls.
Many questions yet unanswered,
They still sit and wonder why,
Was there a reason, a purpose,
To the cause of them wanting to die?
I feel as if I'm being forced to live up to some special standards. there was a point in my life where everything just felt right, i miss it. I'm making a promise to myself now though, that no matter what I'm going to live life. with everything bad that's been happening lately I've had my little ray of hope. he's been my prince charming, here to keep my safe. I'm just falling for him more and more. I'm really scared though, the first time left me silently broken...i just don't want to make the same mistake twice. it's not fair to him, and maybe he'll be the one to truly help me get over it and heal.
time is of the essence.