.......

It's really hard to think that it's only been eight days since i last wrote here. my birthday seems like it happened so long ago. like I've truly lost track of time it's self, the tears and the wanting to be numb must do that to a person. lets work our way from this Monday, anything before then is truly a blur and i can't remember. on Monday the tenth i skipped school, but it was well worth it. i spends the day in his arms, hearing his voice, feeling his warmth and listening to his heart beat. I'm so madly in love with him. i closed up after the first time i fell in love because he left and i was just left starring back on what we HAD. i must have a way with the guys i fall for. He's now thinking about leaving....that Monday when we laid there, everything felt right when i was in his arms i knew everything was okay. i haven't felt like that in a long time...when i found out he was thinking about leaving my walls slowly fell in...i was scared he was going to be another HIM...i wish i had the nerve just to truly tell him how i feel about it all, but i have no right what so ever to tell him, i want him to stay, i want him to be mine and i just want it to end like a good fairy tale. happily ever after. but he's a very busy boy, school is a must i have no right to want to drag him down like this. I'll find someone who will stay...right?.... anyways. then Tuesday went by really quickly we had testing that whole day. and today was really no different, testing all day. although i have stepped back away from my friends lately, I've been watching them really. sounds weird huh? but I've notice I'm not the only one who trips over guys hard, i found my best friend with cuts up and down her arms and his name in the middle of her fore arm bloody and scabbing over. we all handle things differently i guess, but why put it out there for everyone to see? i don't like having others worrying over me, I'd rather just swallow it and put it away and just change the subject than bother other with my problems...i had someone tell me i put up to many walls..(mental walls) that little statement really tore me up inside...because it's true, i can't stand to have people know how truly weak i am over the ones i love. if i were to let those walls down and people in i would fall apart, my ceiling would came crashing down. although, i have this really bad feeling... that when the one i love the most now leaves, when he moves on.... where will i be?... will the other come back home and make it all better? or will i just slip and fall for another?... i know what i want to happen... but i remember my good friend Samuel tell me, why give someone everything and get nothing back?, i tried to give him my everything, best i could. i kept telling myself, he'll finally notice me a little more, maybe he'll stay and maybe i can finally be his. but no, he got his taste and left. just left with a hallow promise that if i could wait then maybe, why not......

Maybe it's just me, i can't do something right. they all keep leaving for some reason....that's okay though.

i started deep inside you

deep within your soul

i slowly clambered up the ladder

reaching your innermost feelings

Your heart was telling you to go for i

t Your head was saying no,

"Suicide, me - no way"

your heart saying go!!

I feel like im soaring,

as free as a I could be

i climb so high , touch the sky

Yet not happy with what i see

I see an eye before me, yet from a different view,

i see the knife before me,

as short a breath you drew!

I could feel me sliding,

down a face so torn

feel the slight hot breath you blew

a face as smooth as born

Yet now i am falling,

far beneath the eye

I see a floor below me, quickly rising up

But now im gone no chance to get to say the last goodbye