.....

I no sooner spoke than I regretted it. it's hard to swallow knowing the fact that I've disappointed someone or that I've hurt someone. I remember my brother once telling me, everything i say will always hurt someone in someway. it just sucks sometimes, knowing that when i speak my mind or express how I'm feeling I'm going to end up hurting the one that truly loves me. i can't honestly explain where I'm at in life anymore. I'm in love, loosing all my friends, switching schools and dealing with this rain cloud over my shoulders. before i met him i would get numb and go off in my own little world where everything fit right... now he's here. it's a good thing i know, but... traveling through half the stuff i deal with would be so much better if he was here to hold my hand through it. feeling every little prick of pain is tiring. words mean so little to me, it's hard to truly tell him how sorry i am when he's so far away from me. I'm unfair about this, just him being able to fall in love with someone like me should be enough. i should be so happy a good guy cares so much about a little mistake like me. why am i such a bitch and try to push him away? I've lost my train of thought...crying.

Sitting still and the dark. those are the two things that always break me down.

When i start to sit still, and the world decides to catch up to me it kicks me in the ass. i like to stay busy, focusing on the now. what needs to be done right now! so i don't think of what has happened or what might happen. Then it's in the dark, at night, laying in bed when my thoughts start to consume. i can't help it, i think to much for my own good, nothing but what if's come to mind at night. past regrets about how i should have, and could have, but didn't have to power or courage to.

your touch was like the fire

so warm

i want to be burned alive

by your love

and die remembering that i knew you

and that we shared this sickness

we grew into

your like an open wound that can not heal

your like a disease that punishes me when every

time i think of you

and every moment kills

a flower you are

i have been craving for your sent

you lighten my world that is dark

i wont forget that day

that you went

there's nothing to hope for

nothing that tears can heal

been in this cage of my shame forever

been waiting to hold you and your skin to feel

in failure i join with in the night

i cry with the rain that fills my misery

i stair endlessly to the moon that shines

slowly i grow cold and heavy

all i wanted is you

to light my rotten garden

i imagine us together in truth

in laughter, love and peace

but that will never happen

because the sun will not shine today.. (irrelevant to anything really)