....

I'm still tired after last night. i cried, long and hard for a good two hours. i don't know how it started but once it started there was no end in sight. my childhood is a big blur to me for many reasons i would honestly just want to forget it all. i don't dream a lot, but when i do dream... it's more like a nightmare to me, it's a sick reminder of how good i use to have it.

i had a dream the other night, it was me and her, sitting under the big oak tree, just laughing and talking...having a good time like we use to. then she started to fade, her bright smile grew dim, her lively eyes died down, and her breathing got light. she left, and there i was under the oak tree by myself slowly rocking as i quietly cried. i woke up crying too. i miss her, so dearly, i ask go why every moment i get a chance. i feel bad, quite guilty i guess, it's my fault. maybe if i would have just said i love you a little more or told her how much she truly meant to me I'd be with here right now, still out back under the tree laughing and talking. they all tell me it's not my fault and that i had no control over it at all. that's not true, it's is my fault. maybe not entirely my fault but i did nothing to stop it. the signs were obvious. we just all chose to ignore them, pretending everything will be okay. i cried last night because i missed her, i cried because it was my fault i miss her, i have no closure from her, she left me on the floor gasping for air wishing it wasn't true. i cried because deep down inside the night she left so did my soul. left cold and alone to figure out how harmful and how painful life and love truly is.

i wish i could just leave sometimes. and start over, it sounds hard to believe but i just want to walk away from everything i have now and just start all over.