.....

.....where to start?

.............. i honestly don't know anymore. A year ago i didn't love him, an a year ago i knew what i wanted in life. I wanted to be a graduate from West Point. To be that great officer in the Army that everyone looked up to. I've realize a few things within this past year. I've learned so much about myself it's scary. I cry so much now. I wanted to be married after college an then maybe have a kid after i got a steady job. I was this independent girl who knew she could make it on her own, i didn't want, an i didn't need any ones help. Then, Robert killed himself. The second suicide I've had to deal with in my life. Everything just froze. I wake up everyday an wait to see if the sun will really rise, it feels like it shouldn't. He came home not short after Robert killed himself. I fell back in love with him, i knew it would hurt and tear me apart because he doesn't love me too. To big of a burden, an of course no one but me truly got hurt. Broken hearted because i wanted him to want me, to just sweep me off my feet an tell me i have his heart. Now, I'm still not sure who i truly want to be. i have this lovely dream of being an Army wife with a son an just living that perfect life. taking care of my soldier an just loving him...but i think i'll just take it one step at a time. i have already fucked up to much to be accepted in to the elite military academy, so i'm thinking Texas A&M. something not as difficult as the USMA.

My heart is split.

still stuck on him, the one who doesn't truly want me.

and the perfect guy who already loves me.

why do i still have this problem!?

it tears me apart so badly.... i think he's that one that will always have my heart.

i don't know anymore.

I'm sorry.

anyways, prom is next Saturday, on the 3rd. I'm kinda excited, although i'm only in the tenth grade i'm sure i'll have plenty of fun. my arms are a little sunburnt i hope they get better by then. I have decided i'm quitting ROTC. i can't handle how major treats me and my people. he's straight up butt-heads to us. and instead i'm taking a studyhall. on top of that i'm going out for girls basketball next year. i'm really excited. i'm actually pretty good. hot from the 3 point on in. lol next year my plate will be heavy academic wise. which is why i'm dropping rotc. i'll be taking 2 honor classes an only 1 elective the rest, all 6 will be core classes.

....

What is love? Is it wanting to be with him every waking moment? Craving the sensation his rough hands leave behind? falling deeper in this black hole each time i look into his icey blue eyes? is it wanting to hear his voice, the warm familiar sound of comfort, his steady tone sings a smooth lyllabye? just to lay in his arms listening to his rhythmic heart beat not wanting it to ever stop. is love feeling the pain when he's not here? with me, in my arms? never calling, constantly missing the only thing that has truly ever brought joy...they say love can be the greatest feeling in the world... but, if your in love, and the one who has your heart is never here, it can hurt so badly... forced to fake a smile every picture you send, and laughing over the phone whenever he calls. it's not allowed i can't show any emotion, always on guard needing to be perfect for him, to live up to his high standards. what is love? missing his touch, his smile, his warmth, his kisses...missing the feeling of being whole when he's here?

what is love?

Something wonderful and magical, or something painful and harsh?

......

This is from and old friend, he wrote this, (IVE NEVER DONE METH)

Meth-
I destroy homes I tear familes apart I take your children and thats just a start. im valued more than dimonds and more precious than gold. the sorow i bring to you is a sight to behold.
If you kneed me remember i am easily found I live around you in your schools and towns. I live with the rich I live with the poor I live down the road and maybe next door.
Im under your skin and deep in the woods. If i scare you i most certanly should. i have many names but the one you'll no best Im sure you have hear of me my name is crystal meth.
my power is awesome, try me and you will see. but remember if you do you may never break free. just try me once and i may let go try me twice and i'll own your soul.
when i possess you you'll steal and lie you will do what ever it takes just to stay high. you will lie to your mom and steal from your dad. when you see there tears you wont feel sad.
Just forget your morals and how you were raised, i'll be your concience, i'll teach you my ways. i'll take kids from their parents and parents from there kid's. i turn people away from god and seperate friends.
you will lose everything, your family and home. with no money or friends you will be all alone. i'll take untill there's no more left when im finished with you there will be no reason to live.
if you try me be warned, this is no game. if im given a chance i will drive you insane. The sweats, the shakes and the visions you will see. i want you to know all of this is a gift from me.
you'll regret you tried me they always do. But remember you came to me not me to you. you knew this would happen how many times you've ben told. But you challenged my power now it's me you hold.
you could of said no and walked away. If you could live that day over what would you say. i'll be your master and you'll be my slave. I'll even go with you to your grave......
It's all your choice but remember my name is
Crystal meth
- this poem is no joke. I just recently came out of a verry bad meth addiction and i am verry verry serious when i say dont ever touch the shit.............
From the verry first time the pipe touched my lip's i fell in love with Crystal meth. now it takes everything i am to turn away and say no..... I still have dreams,flashbacks,shakes and i suffer from depression...... It is no joke i would give anything to go back to the day i fell to temptation and say no. I was weak and i fell to the power of peer pressure now i can't even think about meth without remembering the hell i chose to live through.......... I am verry fortunate to have ben able to quit and overpower my addiction. I am a verry strong willed person and i believe that is one of the huge factors that got me to quit... Not to mention i lost everything i ever cared about or loved in the process. Still after all that the thing i lost that was worth the most was my selfworth and my will to live. even though i am growing and becoming stronger every day I am still verry week inside and will never b the same person that everyone grew to love as i was growing up. to my family and friends, I am so verry sorry I put you all thgrough the hell that i did. you may never understad the exstent of my pain and sorrow but i feel yours and for that i can never forgive myself...... you never know who you could lose due to the silent demon......

We couldn’t say them, So now we just pray them, Words that we couldn’t say. Funny, aint it? Games people play, Scratch it, paint it, One in the same, We couldn’t find them, So we tried to hide them, Words that we couldn’t say. It hurts, don’t it? Fools on parade, Taint it, own it, Chase it away, We couldn’t make them, So we had to break them, Words that we couldn’t say. Sometimes baby, We make mistakes, Dark and hazy, Prices we pay, I seat here in my shelf, Just talking to myself, Words that we couldn’t say. Someday, maybe, We’ll make it right, Until that day, Long enless night, We couldn’t say them, So now we just pray them, Words that we couldn’t say. We couldn’t say them, So now we just pray them, Words that we couldn’t say. Someday, maybe, We’ll make it right, Until that day, Long enless night, We couldn’t say them, So now we just pray them, Words that we couldn’t say.