.....

.....where to start?

.............. i honestly don't know anymore. A year ago i didn't love him, an a year ago i knew what i wanted in life. I wanted to be a graduate from West Point. To be that great officer in the Army that everyone looked up to. I've realize a few things within this past year. I've learned so much about myself it's scary. I cry so much now. I wanted to be married after college an then maybe have a kid after i got a steady job. I was this independent girl who knew she could make it on her own, i didn't want, an i didn't need any ones help. Then, Robert killed himself. The second suicide I've had to deal with in my life. Everything just froze. I wake up everyday an wait to see if the sun will really rise, it feels like it shouldn't. He came home not short after Robert killed himself. I fell back in love with him, i knew it would hurt and tear me apart because he doesn't love me too. To big of a burden, an of course no one but me truly got hurt. Broken hearted because i wanted him to want me, to just sweep me off my feet an tell me i have his heart. Now, I'm still not sure who i truly want to be. i have this lovely dream of being an Army wife with a son an just living that perfect life. taking care of my soldier an just loving him...but i think i'll just take it one step at a time. i have already fucked up to much to be accepted in to the elite military academy, so i'm thinking Texas A&M. something not as difficult as the USMA.

My heart is split.

still stuck on him, the one who doesn't truly want me.

and the perfect guy who already loves me.

why do i still have this problem!?

it tears me apart so badly.... i think he's that one that will always have my heart.

i don't know anymore.

I'm sorry.

anyways, prom is next Saturday, on the 3rd. I'm kinda excited, although i'm only in the tenth grade i'm sure i'll have plenty of fun. my arms are a little sunburnt i hope they get better by then. I have decided i'm quitting ROTC. i can't handle how major treats me and my people. he's straight up butt-heads to us. and instead i'm taking a studyhall. on top of that i'm going out for girls basketball next year. i'm really excited. i'm actually pretty good. hot from the 3 point on in. lol next year my plate will be heavy academic wise. which is why i'm dropping rotc. i'll be taking 2 honor classes an only 1 elective the rest, all 6 will be core classes.